Part 32: THEY WERE IN A DROID FACTORY!!! (read on)

(Author’s note: Wow. I’ve spent a good portion of my day on the cpu. Not playing “The Movies” or surfing the Net, but writing this stupid soap. Well, I did actually look up lyrics online for half an hour, and then I had to go online to post, but THAT WAS IT. My mom just got out of surgery ((the time is 3:29 as I write this)) and my dad is calling whenever something happens. But she’s okay ((I bet they didn’t even give her ice cream…jerks. Nah, they probably did, I actually like doctors.)) I don’t know, maybe it was a good thing she broke her ankle cuz it’s helping me prepare for the future. I have to do more stuff now and it’s building up my empathy meter. Not a lot, but it’s slowly building. And I don’t know, maybe this is training for future momdom? IF I HAVE KIDS. Which I hope I do. If I don’t have them, I’ll just adopt. If Madonna got to cheat adoption laws, I should be able to, too, and get like 6 kids. ANYWAYS. Last time, Tyler came back ((YESSSS)), John Stamos came and might be able to save Puss, even tho he has no idea what he’s doing, and stuff… Nothing that good. For this next one, there will FINALLY be a “National Treasure” scene of kidnapping Pamela Anderson ((I know that didn’t happen in the movie…whatever)) and crap like that. Blah I want to play with the Starmaker! SO I SHALL! *makes stars of all the soap characters* Aaaaactually I only made one of Moxie and it looked pretty bad. I made this one of Tyler tho, and I couldn’t find the right hairstyle, so he has a do rag. It’s gangsta. And Natalie looks pretty good. Yeaaaaah… Stalling…)
Stolen Movie Plot: “National Treasure” (FINALLY), “ER” (I KNOW, IT’S NOT A MOVIE, GET OFF MY CASE), and uh…stuff…and I guess some “House”, too. More “Attack of the Clones” (ROFL) and “National Treasure” (only KIND of "National Treasure" like. CAUTION: this will be one LOOONG episode)
Special Guest Stars: Usher…dancing in his whitey-tighties…LOL don’t ask. No, he’s not really in this episode. OH, THAT HOUSE GUY. Isn’t he like Hugh Laurie or whatever? I’ll get the name right later. And that Jango-Fett dude. Temuera Morrison, that’s the chap. And Nicole Kidman... Sorry...


John sat nervously in a corner of the ambulance. It was good that they’d gotten one so fast, but the hospital, it seemed, was a little low on paramedics. That’s what they’d said, anyway. “But that’s okay,” They’d told him. “You’re from ‘ER’, right?” John had argued, “That doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing,” but they had stopped listening moments before. Rats.
Puss was lying on a stretcher, his wound bleeding badly. Moxie glanced at him nervously. (She and the twins had opted for riding in the ambulance with John. Dole was driving and Chad was following them on Spirit.)
“Well? Do something!” John shook his head.
“I don’t know how.”
“Just do something!! I know! Here’s a Band-Aid!” She handed him a Band-Aid. John took it tentatively.
“Okay…what do I do with this?”
“JOHN!”
“Kidding.” Dole turned around in the driver’s seat.
“HEY! Knock it off back there.” Krillin turned, too.
“We will TURN this car around, Mister!” John pointed at Moxie.
“She started it.” Moxie rolled her eyes, took the Band-Aid, and spread it over Puss’ wound. However, it didn’t staunch the blood flow like she’d hoped it would. You need a tourniquet, her inner House said. She always listened to her inner house. And, since she was incredibly lucky as of Episode _, she would be successful if she found one. She saw John’s scrubs and reached for them.
“Take ‘em off.” John recoiled.
“What? Why?”
“GIVE ME YOUR SCRUBS!” Thankfully, he was wearing clothes UNDER the scrubs (don’t know why, but this is a PG-rated soap. No shirtless John Stamoses here.). Moxie pressed the blue material on Puss’ wound. The blood flow slowed and Puss started breathing easier. What a miracle. Dole did an excellent parallel park and hopped out of the ambulance.
“Hurry it up, let’s move, move, MOVE!” They obeyed. Dr. Gregory House was waiting for them.
“Is that a stab wound? Okay. I can do stab wounds. Let’s have some unnecessary surgery while I find out what’s REALLY wrong with him.” John looked intrigued.
“How will you do that?” House smiled.
“Just what I said…unnecessary surgery.” Puss woke up for a second time.
“You see that kid? That kid over there? Yeah. He’s on crack!” House smiled.
“Why, thank you.” This did not bode well for their kitty friend. Chad suddenly burst into the ER, looking quite mad.
“Where’s Spirit?” Asked Krillin. Chad was out of breath…and angry.
“He’s busy watching a football player with some weird disease that will require unnecessary surgery.” House’s eyes twinkled.
“That sounds like fun.” Suddenly, he was being shoved against the wall.
“Dude,” said Chad, whose ample fist was holding him against the solid white surface. “Under no circumstances are you not helping my friend. Just HEAL HIS WOUND!” John was scratching his head.
“Did we forget something?” Moxie shook her head.
“I don’t think so.”
“I think we did.”
“You did,” said Mary-Kate. John groaned.
“How do we always forget you?”
“Yeah,” agreed Moxie. “You’re kind of hard to miss/forget.” House looked pleased.
“Finally, Mary-Kate, what took you so long? Come on, I have a new patient for you.” He chuckled, seeing all their frightened faces. “That’s right. Mary-Kate is going to perform the surgery.” He and the murderess laughed maniacally. Things looked grim. And they were about to get grimmer.

* * * *

Natalie was still in a state of shock.
“What…no…TYLER? But…what…no…TYLER?” The phrase came out multiple times. Tyler slapped her.
“CUT IT OUT!” Then he looked stricken. “OH MY GOSH DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT!” Natalie rubbed her cheek.
“No, it actually kind of helped. But come on, Tyler. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.” Tyler looked away guiltily.
“I know, but-“
“You could’ve at least CALLED me.!”
“I know, but-“
“You know, we have to practice for that play.”
“I know, but-“
“However, I’m glad you’re back, Tyler.” Tyler blinked. The sudden mood swing was a bit unsettling, but he was glad it had happened when it did. Unfortunately, he was still a little low in the romance skills department.
“Um…thanks.” And the moment was gone. No hug, no nothing. (Am I the only one upset about this? Merawr.) Tyler cleared his throat nervously. “We’d better go. They were going to burn you up, you know.” Natalie nodded.
“Yeah, thanks for reminding me.” More awkward silence. Suddenly, Geonosians started pouring down from the walls. Natalie screamed.
“EW, BUGS!” Tyler just stood and watched the crazy alien beings zip around the room.
“Didn’t this happen in a movie once?” A door suddenly opened at the end of the hall. Trying to escape the slimy creatures, the two of them ran to the door, only to find…
THEY WERE IN A DROID FACTORY!!!
And now back to the characters that REALLY matter.

* * * *

Victor straightened his boutonniere (how DO you spell that?) and looked in the bathroom mirror. Major Pepperidge (who was wearing a turban as to be less conspicuous) grinned, even though the turban was blocking his line of vision.
“How do you look?” Victor flashed his reflection the “call me” sign before exiting the bathroom and going straight to the bar.
Now, you may be wondering, “Where is Sean in all this?” Sean, being a baby genius, was in a van Victor had “borrowed” from a car dealership, hacking into the security system of the club they were at (thankfully, not Ashes’), and listening in on every single one of Victor’s conversations. The plan was to sneak into a Hollywood party (done), lure Pamela Anderson away with a donut (every movie star wants one…they just don’t know it yet), shoot her with a taser, and try to drag her all the way to the van without anyone noticing. Victor looked around the club and suddenly felt foolish. He was very, VERY overdressed.
It wasn’t as if the scanty party dresses and lingerie the women were wearing weren’t expensive; it was just that a tux might not have been such a great idea.
This is what Victor was thinking as he stood alone in the club. (if you don’t count Major Pepperidge, bubbity boo) That’s when SHE came.
Blonde curls cascaded down her bare shoulders. She wore a white dress aaaaaaaaaand my descriptions SUCK. Victor knew she had to be the one he was looking for: Pamela Anderson. Pamela glanced at the sticky cruller in his hand.
“Were you going to eat that?” Victor looked at her, then looked at the cruller.
“Vhat? Oh, um…” And then he shot her with the taser.
Dragging her body back to the van was quite an ordeal. It wasn’t as though she was too heavy for him to carry, but it was hard to do so without people noticing. “Vhat? Oh, she’s passed out.” He would say when they asked him. Thankfully, they left him alone after several million repetitions of that lie. Finally, they were in the van. Pamela started stirring when he set her down on the floor, then opened her eyes slowly.
“What’s going on?” Victor didn’t look at her.
“Ve’re kidnapping you. Don’t vorry, you’ll be safer once this is all over.” Pamela shrieked with rage.
“WHAT? You mean you’re KIDNAPPING ME!” She was quite loud. A lot of people were looking over at them. Sean waved at those people, then turned to face Pamela.
“Now Pam-“
“My name isn’t Pam.” All three of them (you forgot Major Pepperidge, didn’tcha?) stared at her.
“It…it isn’t?”
“No. My name’s Nicole. Nicole Kidman.”

* * * *

After an extra long action sequence that I REFUSE to describe, Tyler and Natalie finally managed to shut down the factory. Both escapees fell gratefully to the floor.
“FINALLY!” Tyler wheezed. Then he looked up. Temuera Morrison glared down at him.
“Suckers…”

(Yeah, crappy ending. I know. I’m tired and I’ve been online too long. Next week: “AOTC” trial and action crap, AND ANOTHER GREAT CAR CHASE! And the fight to save Puss in Cons.)

Part 31: SHOCKING SECRETS REVEALED (yeah right)

(Author’s note: I forgot how much I hate braces. MEEEOWCH. Anyways. So last time, Natalie was taken to the little cloning facility and I’m supposed to elaborate on that. And Mary-Kate is going around killing people in really ugly Bohemian clothes. She must die. And uh…I haven’t mentioned Moxie in a while. Cuz I really don’t know what the heck I’m going to do with her. And the twins. And the Victor clone. Soooo confused. Now today: Tyler elaboration, and Victor and everyone go to save Pamela Anderson even tho she’s currently standing right in front of Ashes and Garbanzo. Oh boy. What have I done? *makes it all a dream like in the one episode about Harry Potter which really STUNK* Maybe… I DON’T KNOW, I’M SO STUCK! Dang, being a writer is hard work.)

Stolen Movie Plot: “National Treasure”, some hospital movie, OOOH, maybe “ER”. Whatever, that’s not a movie. I knew that. No DUH.

Special Guest Stars: John Stamos??? ???????????????????????????? Wow.

Garbanzo squinted and realized the person he was staring at wasn’t Pamela Anderson at all, but Moxie. Cuz they look soooo much alike. Yeah. 0_O “Moxie?” What in the world are you doing here?” (Didn’t see that one coming) Moxie shook her head.
“Moxie? No, I’m Pamela Anderson.” Ashes’ nervous look was replaced by a confident smile.
“Well, well, then, VICTOR, I guess you DID do what I asked.” The Victor clone appeared out of nowhere and grinned in an evil but despicably attractive manner.
“It was nothing.” His British accent was gone and had been replaced by a normal voice (define normal). Suddenly, he turned a grotesque shade of orange and in 2 seconds, turned into John Stamos. Moxie screamed. John laughed.
“Surprise!” Ashes stared openly at the famous (hahaha YEAH RIGHT) actor in his sexy scrubs (cough cough). Garbanzo did the same, only with more menace behind his gaze. John ran a hand over his thick black locks.
“Sometimes my talent amazes even me.”
“What talent,” muttered Garbanzo. Suddenly, they heard a bloodcurdling cry. Ever curious, the odd group assembled outside the scene of the crime. Mary-Kate was huddled against a wall, looking frightened. Spirit had his back to her, one hoof raised in a silent threat. Chad was holding Puss in his arms, blood spilling down his shirt. He saw John and his eyes filled with hope.
“SWEET! JOHN STAMOS IS HERE!” He shoved the crumpled Puss at John. “Dude, could you save my kitty?” John froze.
“Uh, dud, all that stuff I do on ER…I’m an ACTOR, man!”
“Not a very good one,” Spirit remarked. John shot him a look, then glanced down at Puss. Even in death (BAD LAUREN! YOU’RE ABOUT TO STEAL FROM AN ORIGINAL LITERATURE DOCUMENT!), I mean, um, mortally woundedness, he was still cute. Really cute. Flipping addorable. He took a deep breath.
“All right…I’ll do it.” Everyone cheered. Suddenly, Chad and Spirit realized who John was standing with.
“Moxie? You okay?” Chad asked, ever the gentlemen. Spirit went for the more important details.
“Ashes? Garbanzo? Y’all are going down.” Ashes snorted.
“Whatever, I am totally going to put you under a spell and kill you.” This threat didn’t exactly scare anyone, seeing as it sounded like something Glinda the Good Witch would say. Speaking of Glinda the Good Witch, she is now suing us for bad publicity. But Ashes took no notice. She raised her arms…and crumpled to the ground. Krillin stood behind her, holding a frying pan and smiling like a good little blonde boy.
“That went surprisingly well.” Garbanzo stared at his son.
“KRILLIN! You have been a VERY bad boy!” He stared at his fallen fiancee. “YOU JUST KILLED MY FIANCEE!”
“Don’t worry, Dad, she’s not dead. I just knocked her out.” He received a withering look.
“Consider yourself grounded.” Krillin shook his head sadly.
“Sorry, Dad, but since you refuse to help us…” There was a loud bonging noise. Garbanzo’s eyes rolled into his head and he fell to the ground as well. Dole stood behind him, holding a second frying pan. Krillin gave his twin an approving look.
“Nice one, bro.” Dole ran a hand over his thick, golden locks.
“Thanks.” Spirit cleared his throat.
“Hello, my best friend is dying while we speak. By the way, what’s up with Moxie?” Moxie was walking in small circles. Krillin took her by the arm and shook her.
“Oy. Moxie. Wake up.” She kept walking in circles. Krillin shrugged.
“Victor, or at least, we THOUGHT it was Victor,” He and Dole shot John Stamos a dirty look. John looked unconcerned. “Injected her with some crazy juice like in that one Tintin book.” Puss woke up and pointed, his eyes wide. (You won’t get this, but it really happened. Hope my friends don’t get all mad.)
“You see that kid over there? Yeah. That kid?” He was pointing at a trashcan. “That kid’s on crack!” Suddenly, he fell back into his anemic stupor. Everyone blinked and took a large step backwards. Moxie giggled, apparently oblivious to what had just happened. (OH NO. THE GIGGLING IS BACK! AAAAAAAAAAH!)
“Hey guys. I was TOTALLY pretending I was Pamela Anderson.” No one paid any attention to her. John looked again at the sleeping cat in his arms.
“Um, I need a…big truck thing, and an uh…electro shocker…?” Chad looked unimpressed.
“An ambulance and a defibrillator?”
“YEAH, totally!” The group had forgotten Mary-Kate, who was still there and still very dangerous…

* * * *

Anthony Phelan strolled leisurely down the long white hall. Natalie couldn’t process anything besides, I am in a cloning facility, and, TYLER CLONED HIMSELF, and the ever popular, What is up with Anthony Phelan’s outfit? Anthony suddenly stopped and gestured to the large window he stood beside.
“Look at them. Aren’t they beautiful?” Natalie looked and saw little fetuses in what looked like plastic bags. There were millions of these little fetuses. What looked like a young Tyler was poking one with a stick. Anthony could tell she was confused.
“This is where our clones start. We keep them in the plastic bags for 2 weeks, and then they become like Number 4389789 over there.” The young Tyler looked up and waved at them. Natalie felt a little squeamish.
“Why is he poking it with a stick?”
“Oh, that’s how we deliver nutrients to the fetuses. The plastic bags are just for decoration.” Natalie was still grossed out, so Anthony moved on and led her to the next room.
“This is our clone school. We named it ‘The Tyler Elessar Room of Education’ after the original DNA donor.” No duh, Natalie thought. There were a bunch of little kids that looked just like Tyler reading math textbooks. Anthony smiled proudly.
“They’re very advanced for their age.” He chuckled at his own little joke. Natalie rolled her eyes.
“Before you show me the ‘advanced prototype’ or whatever you call it, just tell me one thing: why were you guys expecting me?”
“Tyler told us to expect you.” Anthony replied, avoiding the question.
“I KNOW THAT. Just…why?” Anthony shrugged nonchalantly.
“No idea. You’ll have to ask him. Oh, and tell him all 2,000,000,000,000,000 clones are ready for him.” Natalie flinched.
“I would, but…Tyler has been dead for some time.” Anthony looked surprised.
“Really? How long?”
“I don’t know, a week maybe?”
“Oh…how sad.” He didn’t sound very sad. Natalie glared at him.
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to leave.” The prime minister glared right back.
“Oh, if that’s what you want, I won’t keep you. Guards!” Two clones appeared. “Take her to the incinerator. Turn up the heat ALL THE WAY.” Before Natalie could protest, the clones had seized her and were dragging her to her doom. She screamed in protest. Suddenly, one of the clones had left. The other one turned her around so that she was facing him. Before he could say anything, she’d kicked him where it really hurts.
“TAKE THAT! Great, not only do I get threatened by a some stupid old Austrian dude, now I’m stuck in a cloning facility with a clone who has one heck of a sex drive. I DON’T THINK SO, MORON!” She aimed and readied herself for another kick. The clone was doubled over on the ground.
“No,” he wheezed. “You don’t get it.”
“Sure I do. You’re perverted, and I’m out of here.” She turned to leave.
“But I’m not a clone.” She stopped and stared at him. “It’s me. Tyler. I’m the real thing.”

(HA! HA HA HA! I SO TOTALLY BROUGHT HIM BACK! YESSSSSS! MY LIFE HAS MEANING AGAIN! *Hallelujah chorus* And now Agent A and I will dance a dance of victory. *singing Jump on it* Do. Do do do. Do do JUMP ON IT! JUMP ON IT! JUMP ON IT! JUMP ON IT! Thank you, Agent A. Agent A: Anytime. *leaves* ANYWAYS. Yeah. That was pretty sweet. It got me right here. I seriously started tearing up when I wrote this. KIDDING. But I was deeply moved. And I’ve found I have a disturbing love for poetry. Dang. And I need to catch up with Victor and all them. Next episode I guess, which I MIGHT write today. Cool. Next eppy: Victor goes to save Pamela Anderson, Ashes wakes up from her short coma and goes to KIDNAP Pamela Anderson, Garbanzo gets thirsty, and there will be this totally ER-like scene. We’ll see if Puss in Converse gets to survive another episode. And, the question on everybody’s lips: WILL NATALIE HOOK UP WITH TYLER? AND THE ANSWER IS…no. But at least they’re together.)

Part 30: I am currently dating my ex-boyfriend's clone.

(Author’s note: There is a reason I haven’t posted in a week. And that reason is because I got an extremely addicting computer game and I like it more than I like all of you. Readers: Awwww… Yeah right. Well, I’m taking a break. The game made me mad. Must kill it. SOOOOO, last week. BTW, I can’t find a picture of Anthony Phelan, not matter what anyone says. ANYWAYS, LAST WEEK, Natalie found out that her secret admirer dude was really Pierre Bouvier and he attempted to blow her up, ALMOST succeeding, but then a Tyler clone saves her at the last minute. That’s right, a Tyler clone. Hahaha, sometimes I’m so original I slay myself. George Lucas: *shifting uncomfortably* Sucker… And Victor, Major Pepperidge, and Sean are off on a very “National Treasure” like mission to save Pamela Anderson. Not like either Pepperidge or Sean have a choice, seeing as Pepperidge is connected to Victor’s shoulder and Sean can’t even walk. Also, I bet I left you in total suspense *COUGH COUGH COUGH* when I didn’t mention Moxie, the twins, and the Victor clone AT ALL last week. Or whether Puss in Converse survived the explosion. I’m actually going to stall for a few more minutes before I start writing… Hm, hm, I got the cookie, I got the cookie. Finally figured out, yeah yeah, that all our dreams *uh* have no limitations, that’s what it’s all about. *skip ahead* MAKE EACH OTHER STRONG! I love High School Musical, don’t you? Yeah, enough stalling. Okay. Today: Natalie discovers the more about the Tyler army and it’s very “Attack of the Clones”-ish, only minus Hayden Christiansen. HALLELUJAH! Yeah, that’s right, George, Mr. SUCKY DIRECTOR!!! George: *shifting angrily* Jerk. And other stuff…)

Stolen Movie Plot: “Attack of the Clones”, “The Village” (stabbing scene), maybe Moxie will get thrown into another dog crate and put into a Hostess truck, where she’ll escape to the park…YET AGAIN. Then wouldn’t that be stealing the plot of this soap? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Special Guest Stars: Anthony Phelan (AKA LAMA SU!)

Ashes glared angrily at the rubble that surrounded her. This club, HER CLUB, had been destroyed by that double-crossing Canadian (hey, it’s almost as bad as varmint…KIDDING!). Everyone was being disgustingly sympathetic, handing her casseroles and telling her to call them…then again, most of them were male… She clenched her fists, wishing Pierre were right there so she could strangle him. She never should have trusted him when he pretended to be an underage drinker so long ago. In a way, this was almost her fault…but that didn’t soothe her any. Not only that, her prisoners had escaped shortly after she had arrived at the scene of the crime. Ashes screamed in irritation.
“I’M THE WORST EVIL GENIUS EVER!” That’s because, a voice in the back of her head said, Pierre is the best. Garbanzo appeared at her side.
“Oh dear…rotten luck, about your club, anyway. That’s too bad.” (This is where it gets a little like that one episode of “Teen Titans”, kind of…like that one with Cyborg and his super car) Ashes turned on him, smoke blowing from her nostrils. Garbanzo stepped back.
“Rotten luck? It wasn’t just a club! That was my BABY! I poured my HEART and SOUL into that place.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You know, with an insensitive comment like that, I just might not marry you.” Garbanzo looked hopeful. Suddenly, Ashes’ cellphone rang. (I’ve noticed when I don’t know what to do, I just enter in a cellphone ring) She answered it.
“WHAT?” Suddenly, her eyes got very, very big. Garbanzo rolled his eyes.
“What now?” Ashes looked past him, pointing with a shaky finger. Garbanzo turned around…and his eyes got very wide as well. Both were too shocked to speak. Pamela Anderson smiled at them.
“Hey. Want an autograph?”

* * * *

Natalie hid under the covers, hoping and praying this was all a nightmare. But it wasn’t. Someone (probably one of the clones) tapped her on the shoulder.
“Um, Natalie? The prime minister wants to talk to you.” Natalie came out only to see what they were talking about. Anthony Phelan (since no one knows who he is, he was the guy who played Lama Su in Attack of the Clones) was standing amidst the Tyler army, dressed in everyday alien garb.
“Ah, Natalie, you’re awake. Good. Let’s talk. Commander Cody, you may leave.” One of the Tylers saluted him and motioned to all the others. Then they left. Anthony sat on the edge of the bed.
“Well, then, Natalie, would you like to see the rest of our facility?” Natalie scooted farther away from him.
“Facility? What the crap is going on? And how do you know my name?” Anthony shook his head as if to say, “Kids these days”.
“Our generous benefactor told it to us before he left. He told us you would be expecting him.” Natalie cocked an eyebrow.
“He did? Wait…is this Pierre we’re talking about? You know, about ye tall, spiky hair, really evil, can’t sing.” The Simple Plan fans found this very offensive and booed. Anthony’s brow furrowed.
“No…actually, his name was Tyler. And he had a very beautiful singing voice.” Natalie perked up.
“You’d better explain.”

* * * *

Spirit nosed around in the rubble, trying to find his fuzzy orange friend.
“Dude, where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? HEY! HAS ANYONE SEEN A FUZZY ORANGE KITTY? ABOUT YE TALL AND…” A fuzzy orange paw burst through the rubble, grasping for the surface. Spirit whinnied elatedly.
“PUSS! Oh my gosh, you’re ALIVE!” He nosed some pieces of wall aside. Puss’ head appeared, gasping for air.
“Oh my…that was no fun.” He pulled himself out of the ground and looked around. “Where is Natalie?” Spirit cleared his throat.
“Uh, dude? She’s kind of gone. The building exploded and…” Puss’ green eyes filled with tears.
“NoOoOoOoOoOoOoO!” Chad suddenly appeared, looking flushed.
“Guys! Natalie’s alive! I witnessed her escape just before the building exploded.” Both horse and cat glared at him.
“And where were YOU when it exploded?” Chad looked around guiltily.
“Well, um, yeah…about that!” Puss pulled out his sword and pointed it at the pretty boy.
“You JERK! Who paid you? Who paid you off?” Chad wouldn’t meet Puss’ eyes. “Tell me, Chad, or hurt you, I will…” Spirit seemed to be thinking hard.
“You know, Puss, it’s really not that hard to figure out. It could only be one of two people. It was either Ashes or Pierre.”
“Or me.” A certain bohemian chick was running towards them a crazed look on her face. Puss extended his paw.
“Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met. My name is Puss in Converse…” He never finished that sentence. Mary-Kate extracted the knife from his stomach. His friends watched in horror as the orange kittycat slumped to the ground and lay still. Mary-Kate shook her finger disapprovingly.
“Bad boy, bad boy, watcha gonna do…” She stopped her horrendously average singing and turned to Chad and Spirit. “Who’s next?”

(I KNOW, I KNOW, I DIDN’T REALLY EXPLAIN THE TYLERS, BUT I WILL NEXT EPPY!)

Part 29: PAUL OAKENFOLD DANCE PARTY!

(Author’s note: SORRY I HAVEN’T POSTED IN LIKE FOREVER!!!! I TRULY AM SO FLIPPING SORRY! WAAAHAHAHA! *sob* BUT I NO LONGER HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK! I HAVE A GREAT PLOT LINE THAT WILL JUST BE AWESOME! I HOPE YOU’RE PUMPED! Okay, so whenever I last posted there were all those confusing conversations, the twins met up with Moxie, and Victor, Major Pepperidge, and Sean find Victor has an evil clone that is seducing Moxie and Sean somehow knows about Natalie’s premonitions. *gasps for air* And now Natalie will go DANCE! Also, sorry this is so long.)

Stolen Movie Plot: “Attack of the Clones”, “Cinderella Story”, part of “Borat” (no gay sex or porn, tho, this being a PG-rated soap), “The Chronicles of Narnia” (holy cow), and leading up to “National Treasure” in further episodes (:O)

Everyone was still staring at Sean, who seemed oblivious to all the attention he was receiving.
“You know, the premonitions she always has.” Victor took a deep breath. He was worried the baby would reveal something important. Major Pepperidge inhaled.
“That’s right, Natalie did seem a little odd from time to time.” He looked at Sean and they winked at each other. Victor was dumbfounded.
“Vhy are you vinking?” He vhispered, I MEANT WHISPERED. The others ignored him. Sean continued.
“She had one recently…what did it say again, Major Kitty?” Major Pepperidge chuckled.
“I believe she said something…something about you, Ashes.” Ashes froze.
“What did she say about me?” Sean rubbed his chin. Victor was astounded, not realizing Sean had that much control of his hands and arms as a newborn baby.
“I REMEMBER! I think it was, ‘IF YOU CAPTURE PAMELA ANDERSON, YOU WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD.’ Yeah, that was it.” Victor glanced nervously at the evil vampire queen, but she was smiling.
“Yes…yes…it’s settled then. MAUGRIM!” The doors opened (Victor jumped; there hadn’t been doors there before. o_O) and a large gray wolf came forth, snarling viciously.
“Whaddya want?” He sounded a lot like Yosemite Sam from Looney Tunes. Ashes turned on the TV that had MAGICALLY appeared on the wall and flipped to “Baywatch”. She then pointed at Pamela Anderson running down the beach, breasts flopping.
“I want you to find her and bring her to me…alive.” Maugrim rolled his eyes, but obeyed. Ashes rubbed her neck.
“Oh, I’m SOOO tired. I need a foot massage. And a nice hunk of raw meat…” She walked out of the room, moaning softly. Victor looked at his companions in astonishment.
“Did Natalie really have a premonition like that?” Sean giggled.
“Not really. We just made that up so she’d leave us alone.” Major Pepperidge chuckled again.
“Yeah, that was great. Well, what are you waiting for, young ‘un? Hurry up, let’s go!” Victor was magically released from his bonds and walked over to the wall, where there was a picture of Pamela Anderson and gazed at it fondly. It was love at first sight (Oh, cuz I’m SURE you were looking deep into her eyes, and not her… Friends: LAUREN! That’s inappropriate! Me: HELLO! It’s PAMELA ANDERSON we’re talking about. The entire generation of teenage boys had heart attacks when her autobiography came out with a picture of her topless on the cover.).
“Ve have to save her.” Sean and the black catheadthing gaped at him.
“What?”
“Ve have to. It’s the only vay to keep her safe. And the only vay to keep her safe…vould be to capture her.”

* * * *

Natalie was still trying to figure things out.
“Okay, Chad. You know about the dance tonight.” Chad nodded. “And you’re obviously invited.” Chad looked away. “So what were you going to say about the dance?” Chad said nothing. “When is it? Has the time changed?” She took a deep breath. “Are you my secret admirer?” Chad stiffened.
“You know what, I should leave because…I’m on…yeah, you know the rest.” He scampered away (who knew grown men could scamper?). Puss shook his fist after the scampering heartthrob.
“That’s right! Run away, fool!” Natalie sighed again. She was in desperate need of female company. Suddenly, her cellphone dinged. She drew it out of her pocket and looked down.
Dance at 7 2night instd uv 11. Midl of dance flor.
Whoever had sent this message could not spell. Spirit noticed Chad in a corner on HIS cellphone, but didn’t say anything. Natalie looked at her watch.
“Oh my gosh! It’s almost 6:30.” She pondered this. “How could we have spent so much time at the mall?” Puss jumped on the table.
“Alas! We must get you a dress and get ready!” Spirit rolled his eyes.
“Yeah…sure…” He said, not half as enthusiastically. Natalie looked down at her once awesome outfit (I still love that T-shirt. It’s my favorite.) sadly.“But where am I going to get a dress in time?” Suddenly, a dress fell from the sky onto the table. It was sky blue with spaghetti straps and I can’t possibly describe clothes and all that craaaaaaaap…
Yes…this is the dress. Now I don’t have to describe it. Natalie gasped (oh my gosh, will you STOP IT?).
“Holy cow!” (you’re not the only one..) She picked it up and looked at the tag. “It’s in my size! I’m going to go change in the bathroom.” Spirit cocked his head.
“What about Moxie? You know, your best friend?” But Natalie didn’t seem to hear him. She was already running away, holding the wonderful cloud of blue material. Puss sat down.
“This should be a while…”

* * * *

Natalie stepped nervously into the club (THE VERY SAME CLUB AT WHICH TYLER HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED…before he died.), wearing her dress and a flimsy mask that was somehow able to mask her identity even tho you could totally still see her face. Puss in Converse appeared behind her, dressed as Zorro.
“Come on, we must go find your secret admirer.” A random passerby came up to them.
“I HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER? Are you Mark?” The passerby asked Puss. Puss smiled.
“Baby, for you…I could be.” Natalie grabbed him by the tail and dragged him away.
“Enough about you and more about me. Where do you think Chad, I mean, that admirer guy, is?” Puss gave her a questioning look.
“Wasn’t he meeting you in the middle of the dance floor in…2 seconds?” Natalie shrugged.
“But how will I know it’s him?”
“Just ask him to speak French. If he sounds sexy, it’s probably him.”
“Gee, thanks, Puss,” came the sarcastic reply. Natalie pushed through the crowd of really bad dancers until she was standing right underneath the shimmering disco ball. No one looked at her, seeing as they were busy dancing to Paul Oakenfold’s “Starry Eyed Surprise” (best song EVER).
Ooh, we’re gonna dance all night, dance all night to this DJ.
“Natalie?” Natalie whipped around…and groaned disappointedly.
“I KNEW it was you, Chad.” Chad shrugged.
“Actually, it’s not me, but believe what you want…” Natalie looked at him in surprise.
“Really? Then who is it…” Her voice trailed off as she beheld the tall youth with spiky hair in a tuxedo. The familiar looking youth cackled.
“Hello again, Natalie,” said Pierre Bouvier. He grabbed her wrist and handcuffed her to a pole that had MAGICALLY been conjured up. “Now, I’m going to get everyone to evacuate this building and once they do, I’m going to press this magical little button and this whole building will explode.” Natalie was still in shock and couldn’t say anything. Chad looked kind of shocked, too. Pierre slipped him a $20.
“Thanks for your help, man.” He then ushered the heartthrob out of the building, but not before he gave Natalie one last evil look. Natalie started screaming and tried to wrench her thin wrist from the handcuffs.
“SOMEONE HELP ME, THAT EVIL FRENCH CANADIAN GUY IS TRYING TO BLOW ME UP!” It wasn’t as though no one heard her. Oh no, they heard her, all right, but didn’t want to be bothered, especially after Pierre had paid them so generously. All except for one. The brave soul ran back into the club to see the screaming Natalie wrapped around the pole. He dragged her off of it and BROKE the flipping handcuffs off her wrist, revealing surprising strength.
“Come on,” He said. But his charge wasn’t listening, as she was busy screaming. So he hefted her over his broad shoulder and ran out of the building seconds before it exploded.

* * * *

Natalie awoke to find herself in a shiny silver building, sitting on a comfy bed. An old friend was sitting in a chair, wide awake. Natalie gave a little scream.
“OH MY…” The No Swearing Committee glared at her, so she revised her outburst. “Tyler…but I thought you were dead!” The Tyler look-alike gave her a look of anguish.
“I am not Tyler. I am but a clone.” Natalie drew the covers around herself protectively.
“Clone…? But…” Suddenly, the door opened. More Tylers came in, almost 2 dozen. She gulped. There before stood an army of Tyler clones.

(HAHAHAHA! YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BRING HIM BACK, BUT I DIDN’T! FOOLS! So, anyways, Monday: Natalie discovers the truth about the Tyler army and stuff, and…I think that’s it. Anthony Phelan guest stars.)