Part 28: Confusing conversations ensued

(Author’s note: HEEEEY! LOUDER LOUDER! Sorry, listening to Ugly Duckling, one of the best white boy bands ever. Only they rap. So I guess they’re not a band. Whatever. BUT ANYWAYS. I totally decided to start writing the soaps the day before. That just made no sense and I think that was bad grammar. Example: For Monday’s soap, I’ll just write it TODAY, on Sunday. So for every day it’s needed, I’ll write it a day earlier. Yay. So on Friday, or Saturday, whatever, LAST WEEK, I totally killed off Victor Crumb and stuff and now Dole and Krillin are going to meet the person that could, and I quote, “totally save their butts”. And then Moxie will mourn for Vicky and Chad…WILL BE ON ONE TREE HILL! Oh, and we have a NEW CHARACTER JOINING OUR STAFF! Wow, I’ve noticed whenever I kill of someone ((all of the two times I’ve done that :P)), I just add a new character. And our new character is…PUSS IN CONVERSE! GIVE HIM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE EVERYBODY! And do NOT make fun of my paint picture. That took me FOREVER to do. Wow. What a long author’s note. STALLER!)

Stolen Movie Plot: “Shrek 2”…yet again. But there’s a good reason for it…besides having Puss in Converse join the cast

New Character: PUSS IN CONVERSE, EVERYBODY! And Chad Micheal Murray will be with us for an extended period, then leave. And I already posted a picture of him, so he doesn’t get another one.

Special Guest Stars: Oprah

Puss in Converse held his gangsta hat in orange paws and started singing a dirge. “FEEEEEELINGS! EVERYBODY’S GOT FEEEELINGS!” Moxie glared at him over her shoulder so he decided to sing something a little happier. “AND I SO HATE CONSEQUENCES, RUNNING FROM YOU IS WHAT MY BEST DEFENSE IS,” Spirit joined in on the “whoa”. “WHOAAAAAAAA! CONSEQUENCES! GOT TO MAKE ME FACE UP TO THIS!” Natalie slapped Puss with his hat.
“Can’t you see she’s mourning?” Puss smiled feebly.
“Sorry.” Suddenly, Victor stirred. Chad shooed away the crowd that had gathered to stare at the sexy Bulgarian prince’s body.
“Show’s over, people, he’s alive.” There were a few groans of disappointment, but the crowd left nonetheless. Moxie squealed with excitement.
“Victor! You’re ALIVE!” Then she remembered she was mad at him and turned away. Victor rubbed his nearly hairless scalp (I KNOW HE’S NOT BALD, BUT WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?).
“Where am I?” He asked in a British accent. Everyone stared at him. Spirit coughed.
“Uh…dude? What happened to that annoying habit of yours? You know,” He added, seeing Victor’s confused look. “The one where you replaced your w’s with v’s?” Victor nodded slowly.
“Right…nope, sorry, my good fellow.” He slapped a hand over his mouth. Everyone continued to stare at him. “I mean…vhat are you talking about?” Puss in Converse peered closely at him.
“Are you sure you are really Victor? Because I have guarded him for 9 years (a very feeble attempt at a joke, I know) of my life and you act nothing like him.” Natalie noticed something else was missing.
“Hey…where’s Major Pepperidge?” The lovable black cat was nowhere to be seen on Victor’s left shoulder. Victor scratched his scalp quite rapidly.
“Um…he, um, left.” Natalie cocked an eyebrow (WHY IS EVERYONE COCKING? COCKING EYEBROWS, COCKING HEADS, COCKING PISTOLS…).
“Really? Just…left?” Victor nodded excitedly.
“Uh-huh. He was just so excited to see his…um, family?” He sounded rather uncertain. And he was still speaking with a British accent. Moxie shot all of her friends a fierce look.
“All of you just drop it. This is Victor, no doubt about it.” She offered him her hand and helped him to his feet. “We’re going to go get something to eat.” Spirit snorted (hey, he’s a horse).
“Dude, you just ate. And what about that really annoying baby? NOT LIKE I WANT HIM BACK OR ANYTHING!” He added frantically. Moxie ignored him and continued on her way, dragging Victor behind her. There was an awkward silence (another word I use a lot. Awkward). Chad cleared his throat.
“Hey, uh, Natalie? You know that dance you were invited to tonight?” Natalie racked her brain.
“Yeah…but how did you know about that?” Chad, surprisingly, refrained from using “cuz I’m one ‘One Tree Hill’” comeback.
“Well, uh…” Puss smiled craftily.
“Aha…could it be that you, pretty boy, are in fact Natalie’s stalker?” Natalie shot the orange kittycat a surprised look.
“Wait, how did YOU know that? Hello? How come people aren’t telling me these things?” Everyone seemed to be ignoring Natalie, including Spirit, who was staring at a “Dreamer” movie poster.
“Hello…look at those flanks…” Natalie rolled her eyes.
“Boys.” Chad was looking mighty nervous, as Puss had taken out his sword and was pointing it at the pretty boy’s chest.
“Dude, I swear, it wasn’t me. And I’m not even lying this time!” Spirit looked up, finally interested.
“This time? What do you mean by that, huh, punk?” Chad gulped.
“Um, Puss and I are QUITE familiar with each other.” Natalie tried to work this out.
“Wait…so you’re stalking Victor? By the way, what’s wrong with him, Puss? When did he get all British?” Puss put away his sword.
“I know not.” He paused. “SNORG! Now I sound British!!” Spirit attempted raising one eyebrow. Only that’s a little hard for horses to do. So he didn’t raise any at all.
“Snorg? Is that even a word?” The author sneered and had the illustrator start erasing Spirit, who apologized quickly. Then she left the others in this completely pointless scene and decided to follow Moxie and British-Victor.

* * * *
Dole nudged Krillin anxiously. “Do you see her?” Krillin sighed in exasperation and put down the binoculars he’d been using.
“No, Dole. I’ve been searching for all of 20 seconds and I can’t seem to find who we’re looking for. I’m terribly sorry.” Dole seemed oblivious to his twin’s sarcasm. Suddenly, he pointed gleefully.
“THERE SHE IS!” There she was, indeed. Oprah Winfrey stood in front of Forever 21, wondering if she should go in or not. If they wouldn’t let her, she’d just make an episode on her show about how unfair and biased clothing stores were. Unfortunately, Dole got to her first.
“MISS WINFREY! IT’S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU!” Oprah looked down disgustedly. She hated children.
“Whaddya want, kid?” Dole flinched, very taken aback.
“Wow, Miss O, you’re not NEARLY as nice as you are on TV!” Oprah waved him off.
“Go away, kid. I’m BUSY.” Krillin came and tapped his brother on the shoulder.
“What the heck are you doing, Dole?” Dole gestured to Oprah.
“DUH! Talking to the person who could totally save our butts!” Krillin took a deep breath and looked to the ceiling, as if praying for patience, and pointed in the opposite direction.
“My poor misguided twin…the person who could totally save our butts is over THERE.” Moxie, who had been walking quite fast with a miserable Victor, stopped. They were talking about her. The boys ran to her and leaped into her arms. She staggered under the weight of two, however short, 13-year-old boys.
“Hey, boys.” Krillin hugged her neck, choking her.
“MOXIE! You have no idea how much we’ve missed you!” Dole squeezed her middle-section, nearly severing her in half.
“YEAH! And Dad’s marrying your twin sister, who’s a total…um, witch.” He said after getting several nasty looks from his brother, Moxie, and the No Swearing Department. Moxie eased the boys to the ground and sighed.
“I know. And there’s nothing I can do about it.” The twins looked at her pleadingly.
“Pleaaaaase help us?” But Moxie shook her head.
“It would be a futile effort, boys.” Nobody noticed, but Victor was smiling while the others looked resigned. Everything was going according to plan.

* * * *

Far away in a castle somewhere, Ashes paced back in front of Sean Preston, Major Pepperidge, and the REAL Victor Crumb, who was really TOed, but couldn’t do anything about it. Sean was still as bubbly as ever.
“Say, where’s Real Daddy?” Ashes turned on the annoying baby and spat at him. Sean didn’t mind the spittle.
“FOOL! Your REAL daddy, Dumbledore, does not EXIST!” Sean smiled even wider.
“Sure he does. I just saw him at the mall.” Ashes grabbed her hair.
“That was ME, you moron! I was the one that took you away from your STUPID friends!” Victor’s face contorted with rage.
“DON’T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT MOXIE!” Major Pepperidge shook his head.
“My friend, you need to look at the finer aspects of life. Too much anger can affect you like a glass of Skittle juice mixed with salt.” Victor screamed in frustration. Ashes rolled her eyes.
“Oh yes, my CHARMING sister. She won’t miss you much, seeing as I have my replacement with her right now. Only I’d forgotten you’d grown another head. No matter. Would you like to see them?” Without waiting for an answer, she conjured a mirror out of nowhere and held it up to show Moxie with the fake Victor and Garbanzo’s two sons. Victor’s eyes widened in shock.
“Vhat? No! MOXIE! MOXIE! MO-XIE!” But she couldn’t hear him. Ashes laughed and started mocking him.
“MOXIE MOXIE! Nope, she can’t hear you. I don’t think she even knows the Victor she’s with is not the real Victor.” Sean Preston yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“Don’t worry, Daddy. Everything will turn out right. Just like Natalie’s premonition.” Everyone stared at him. Ashes leaned forward interestedly.
“Premonitions? What premonitions?”
(Oooh boy. Wow. That was REALLY long. Oh well. Cool. NO LONGER HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK! Sooo… Tomorrow: Sean reveals astonishing knowledge, Victor tries to escape and there’s even MORE Shrek 2 plot! And Natalie goes to the DANCE in that awesome dress that I WANT TO WEAR FOR HOMECOMING…in like…2 YEARS!)