Part 1: So my ex is visiting, which knife should I use?
(Author's note: Oh boy...how am I supposed to start this...hm I was all excited about this and now I've complained about writer's block on like three people's blogs...including mine. Gah. *listens* What is that sound? William, are you watching canadian cartoons? *silence* Turn them off. *William: They're cool!* Gah. Again. Here we go again, more evolution crap. "I BEEN AROUND 5 BILLION YEARS!" Sure...oh you just owned by God, He's been around longer, hm? *stalling* Uh, por que? THAT IS SO MUCH FUN TO SAY? So Nathan, what does it mean. *Nathan: Why.* Cuz I like how it sounds. *Nathan: Why.* Cuz I like to say it. *Nathan: No, WHY. IT MEANS WHY!* Oh...por que! Slight fact that should make things more interesting: Natalie gets premonitions like Bruce Willis in "Unbreakable", except she gets them before they happen and she doesn't have to stand in the mall waiting for people to slam into her. I know that's lame, but it explains why she's been sitting in front of the TV for three days. Watching cartoons. Candian ones. *shivers* That's just horrible. Enjoy.)
Stolen movie plot: Snippets from "Silence of the Lambs" and "St. Elmo's Fire"*
Natalie was sitting watching annoying Canadian cartoons when her best friend Moxie Crimefighter (thank you Penn) walked in. Moxie looked at her best friend and groaned.
"NATALIE! I told you to stop." Natalie didn't even turn around.
"What, watching Canadian cartoons?"
"No, wearing those sandals! They totally don't match any of your outfits! And what's with the polyester? That's just WRONG." Natalie didn't even blink. Moxie looked around. There was a plate of bacon and eggs on the table, only the eggs had turned green and there were flies and maggots dancing on the bacon. (could happen) The fridge was open and what had once been a puddle of spilled orange juice was now a sticky puddle of spilled orange juice, one that could only be removed after three hours of Swiffering. Moxie stared at Natalie in disgust.
"Is there a reason your kitchen looks like crap?"
"Geez, that was blunt."
"No seriously, it looks like nobody's been home for three...days...NATALIE, LOOK AT ME!" Natalie finally turned.
"What?"
"Have you been watching TV for three days?" Natalie shrugged.
"Um...yeah..."
"Natalie, just because you have ESPN doesn't mean this is acceptable for a beautiful young woman such as yourself." Natalie blinked. She only had basic cable. Then she got on.
"It's ESP, Moxie. ESPN is a sports channel."
"Whatever." (I love stereotypes...for the most part.) "What did your premonition say this time?" Even tho Moxie had an IQ of 6 or less, she knew surprisingly big words like "premonition" and "decimate". Example: I am going to decimate that dress if you ever decide to wear it again.
"If I watch Canadian cartoons for three days straight, I won't miss a very important phone call." Just then, the phone rang. Moxie picked it up.
"Hello?" It was Donald Trump. And he had only one thing to say.
"You're fired." Dial tone.... Moxie hung up.
"You are such a loser!!!!! You haven't been to work in three days, NO DUH YOU'RE GOING TO GET FIRED!" She paused. "I didn't know you worked for Donald Trump." Natalie turned off the TV.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me," she said in a slightly disturbing tone. Moxie backed away.
"Um, sorry, I don't roll that way." Just then, the phone rang again. Natalie picked it up this time and put it on speakerphone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Natalie...it's Elmo..." Moxie gasped.
"No way! Elmo's calling your house? I love that little red monster! That is sooo cool! That's weird... He sounds so much different on television." Natalie rolled her eyes.
"Not that Elmo." Moxie thought.
"OH! You mean that freaky long haired freak you used to date." Natalie winced. Elmo had heard all of that.
"Yep, that's the one." She removed her hand from the phone's thing (11:32 A.M...it's too early for me to be up). "Hello, Elmo...um, how are you?"
"Obsessed, thank you." Natalie was silent. She didn't know quite how to respond to that. Thankfully, she didn't have to.
"You know your cousin Charlie?" Natalie shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her.
"Um...no."
"Sure you do. He's your third cousin twice removed." Silence again. This conversation was getting pretty weird. "Anyway, I killed him and cut out his liver, which I ate with fava beans." Natalie hoped Elmo was kidding. He wasn't. "Anyway, I'm going to be visiting this week. I hope we'll be spending...LOTS of time together..." Dial tone... Natalie hung up.
"Okay...that was weird." Moxie looked intrigued.
"Ooooh! You should look in the phone book to see if you really have a third cousin twice removed named Charlie!"
"How is that going to help?"
"You could get his phone number. Maybe he's cute! Or you could look at your family tree."
"What family tree?"
"The one in the fridge under the spoiled milk." Natalie stared at her friend, then looked at the fridge. Sure enough, the corner of what looked like a thick piece of paper peeked out from under the now spoiled milk. Moxie retrieved it, giggling.
"Quit giggling, Moxie."
"I can't, it's a blonde thing!" Natalie unfolded the paper and found a huge family tree. She could see her name in the middle, but she couldn't find a Charlie anywhere.
"What the heck? I don't have a cousin named Charlie." "Technically, he's your third cousin twice removed." "SHUT UP MOXIE!" "THERE HE IS!" Natalie looked again.
"Um...where?" "See, there on the left! Martin "Charlie" Elessar! Oooh, and it has his phone number here, too! THIS IS SO COOL, we're like detectives or something." Natalie picked up the phone and dialed the number on the family tree.
"Well, I better make sure he's okay...I mean, what if Elmo really did cut out his liver and eat it?" The phone rang once. Then twice. Then three times. And it kept ringing. Natalie shrugged. "I guess he's not home." Then the answering machine picked up.
"Hi, this is Elmo at the home of Martin "Charlie" Elessar. I just killed him and cut out his liver, which I ate with fava beans. Bye. Thanks for calling. Please leave a message after the beep."
(Wow...that sucked. Stunk. Whatever. I'll just say something uh mysterious? The, um, plot thickens. Ooooh...
Tomorrow (or maybe later today, if I get bored): Elmo comes to visit, Moxie goes out with Garbanzo and finds out something SHOCKING, which I'm sure you already know if you read the first post. Yeah. And I have to fit Tyler in there somewhere.)
Stolen movie plot: Snippets from "Silence of the Lambs" and "St. Elmo's Fire"*
Natalie was sitting watching annoying Canadian cartoons when her best friend Moxie Crimefighter (thank you Penn) walked in. Moxie looked at her best friend and groaned.
"NATALIE! I told you to stop." Natalie didn't even turn around.
"What, watching Canadian cartoons?"
"No, wearing those sandals! They totally don't match any of your outfits! And what's with the polyester? That's just WRONG." Natalie didn't even blink. Moxie looked around. There was a plate of bacon and eggs on the table, only the eggs had turned green and there were flies and maggots dancing on the bacon. (could happen) The fridge was open and what had once been a puddle of spilled orange juice was now a sticky puddle of spilled orange juice, one that could only be removed after three hours of Swiffering. Moxie stared at Natalie in disgust.
"Is there a reason your kitchen looks like crap?"
"Geez, that was blunt."
"No seriously, it looks like nobody's been home for three...days...NATALIE, LOOK AT ME!" Natalie finally turned.
"What?"
"Have you been watching TV for three days?" Natalie shrugged.
"Um...yeah..."
"Natalie, just because you have ESPN doesn't mean this is acceptable for a beautiful young woman such as yourself." Natalie blinked. She only had basic cable. Then she got on.
"It's ESP, Moxie. ESPN is a sports channel."
"Whatever." (I love stereotypes...for the most part.) "What did your premonition say this time?" Even tho Moxie had an IQ of 6 or less, she knew surprisingly big words like "premonition" and "decimate". Example: I am going to decimate that dress if you ever decide to wear it again.
"If I watch Canadian cartoons for three days straight, I won't miss a very important phone call." Just then, the phone rang. Moxie picked it up.
"Hello?" It was Donald Trump. And he had only one thing to say.
"You're fired." Dial tone.... Moxie hung up.
"You are such a loser!!!!! You haven't been to work in three days, NO DUH YOU'RE GOING TO GET FIRED!" She paused. "I didn't know you worked for Donald Trump." Natalie turned off the TV.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me," she said in a slightly disturbing tone. Moxie backed away.
"Um, sorry, I don't roll that way." Just then, the phone rang again. Natalie picked it up this time and put it on speakerphone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Natalie...it's Elmo..." Moxie gasped.
"No way! Elmo's calling your house? I love that little red monster! That is sooo cool! That's weird... He sounds so much different on television." Natalie rolled her eyes.
"Not that Elmo." Moxie thought.
"OH! You mean that freaky long haired freak you used to date." Natalie winced. Elmo had heard all of that.
"Yep, that's the one." She removed her hand from the phone's thing (11:32 A.M...it's too early for me to be up). "Hello, Elmo...um, how are you?"
"Obsessed, thank you." Natalie was silent. She didn't know quite how to respond to that. Thankfully, she didn't have to.
"You know your cousin Charlie?" Natalie shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her.
"Um...no."
"Sure you do. He's your third cousin twice removed." Silence again. This conversation was getting pretty weird. "Anyway, I killed him and cut out his liver, which I ate with fava beans." Natalie hoped Elmo was kidding. He wasn't. "Anyway, I'm going to be visiting this week. I hope we'll be spending...LOTS of time together..." Dial tone... Natalie hung up.
"Okay...that was weird." Moxie looked intrigued.
"Ooooh! You should look in the phone book to see if you really have a third cousin twice removed named Charlie!"
"How is that going to help?"
"You could get his phone number. Maybe he's cute! Or you could look at your family tree."
"What family tree?"
"The one in the fridge under the spoiled milk." Natalie stared at her friend, then looked at the fridge. Sure enough, the corner of what looked like a thick piece of paper peeked out from under the now spoiled milk. Moxie retrieved it, giggling.
"Quit giggling, Moxie."
"I can't, it's a blonde thing!" Natalie unfolded the paper and found a huge family tree. She could see her name in the middle, but she couldn't find a Charlie anywhere.
"What the heck? I don't have a cousin named Charlie." "Technically, he's your third cousin twice removed." "SHUT UP MOXIE!" "THERE HE IS!" Natalie looked again.
"Um...where?" "See, there on the left! Martin "Charlie" Elessar! Oooh, and it has his phone number here, too! THIS IS SO COOL, we're like detectives or something." Natalie picked up the phone and dialed the number on the family tree.
"Well, I better make sure he's okay...I mean, what if Elmo really did cut out his liver and eat it?" The phone rang once. Then twice. Then three times. And it kept ringing. Natalie shrugged. "I guess he's not home." Then the answering machine picked up.
"Hi, this is Elmo at the home of Martin "Charlie" Elessar. I just killed him and cut out his liver, which I ate with fava beans. Bye. Thanks for calling. Please leave a message after the beep."
(Wow...that sucked. Stunk. Whatever. I'll just say something uh mysterious? The, um, plot thickens. Ooooh...
Tomorrow (or maybe later today, if I get bored): Elmo comes to visit, Moxie goes out with Garbanzo and finds out something SHOCKING, which I'm sure you already know if you read the first post. Yeah. And I have to fit Tyler in there somewhere.)
posted by Lauren | 11:11 AM
2 Comments:
I hate you. Why not make sound efects while Natilie is watching CBC (for instence the Mr. Meaty theam song) to make it cooler. And you better say something like, "My brother gave the idea for the Mr. Meaty theam song. Without him, I woun't know Mr. Meaty existed." If you don't do it, I'll cut out cousin Kit's liver and eat it with fava beans. Then while I eat, you get his soccer ball! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!
good for you.
:O you're seriously going to eat kit's liver?
....
YES!
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